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Online Dating Magazine > Features > Guy Q

Five Ways to Raise Your "Guy Q"
by Susan S. Davis, Columnist for Online Dating Magazine

Both women and men can increase their success at dating by becoming more aware of themselves. Interested in someone? Want to approach them? Here’s what you should do first.


Know Yourself

You can’t expect anyone else to be interested in you if you don’t know who you are. This may seem simple and basic, but ask yourself the following before approaching others or attempting to find a date or mate:

1. What is the most important aspect of who you are? How do you define yourself? By answering these questions, you will better distill what you’re really looking for and be prepared to find a person who accepts, understands, supports and admires who you are. Too often, people date someone simply because they are attractive or another shallow reason, when, in fact, there are critical aspects to a person’s psyches that they would find unacceptable. When those traits are revealed, everything falls apart. Why not ascertain what’s important to you first, to avoid that heartbreak?

2. What kinds of activities are you involved in that are essential for the person in your life to accept? This can be critical, especially if you are very religious or involved in a controversial activity. It may also be that the best place to find a partner is within that circle. Networking can prove to be fruitful for personal as well as professional goals.

3. What are you really looking for? Casual dates that may lead to no where, just sex, a long term involvement that may lead to marriage? Really define your goal. Having a goal will help you eliminate prospects that just don’t fit your objectives.

Always remember that while goals are flexible, resist the temptation to compromise them solely in the name of “fun.” Otherwise, there is no point to having a goal at all. If, in fact, your goal is to date around and simply have fun, be honest about that – especially when dealing with other people. Don’t present yourself as something you’re not in terms of your objectives. You wouldn’t like it done to you, so don’t do it to someone else just to get what it is you want at that moment.

Of course, sometimes we change our minds or just don’t know what we want. If that is the case, be aware of this and adjust the situation accordingly. But if you find that the person you’re dealing with does have specific goals that clash with yours, face that reality and move on. The key is to be honest about yourself, the person you’re with and what each of your objectives are. Compromise is fine, however, do it because you really want to, not merely because someone else wants you to. Always remain forthcoming about who you are, what you want in your life and what you expect in return.


Do Your Research

4. Find out as much about a person as you can, through friends, associates, Google, whatever. The best way to determine if someone is really a person you are interested in is to obtain as much information about them as you can (of course, short of stalking). Often, there will be preliminary information that can save you a lot of wasted time and disappointment in both the short and long run.

5. Lastly, cultivate yourself. Spend time being aware of what is happening in the world. Be conversant on interests other than yourself. Nothing is more boring than listening to someone who either doesn’t have an opinion about anything or only talks about themselves. Not only is it a turn-off, but it shows self-awareness at an immature level and could scare away someone you’re interested in.

While some may consider this a clinical approach, most people spend more time researching the cars they drive than the people they spend their time with. Time is your most valuable resource; don’t waste it on a person unless you are certain that it is someone you truly have an interest in. When and if you find out that you’re NOT interested, you should move on. Immediately. When you know that you’re uninterested in someone, you’re doing them no favors to accept their advances. In fact, this usually causes more harm than good. Don’t encourage behavior from someone with whom you have clashing objectives. Let them down gently, but do it, because if you don’t, someone is going to get hurt.

It’s also important that you remain focused on your goals, whatever they may be. If you haven’t really defined what you’re looking for or you are at a state in your life that doesn’t allow for commitment, be honest about that. Sometimes the best things are found when we’re not actually looking for them. The bottom line is that you know what your objective is, be truthful with whomever you are dealing with and then you have a better chance of having the same treatment bestowed upon you.


Read the new weekly column by Susan S. Davis, Dating From The Inside Out, published every Tuesday.


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